Why Deny Love? #49

Why Deny Love ?                                                                   July 16, 2018

why deny love?
why withhold what you crave 
with your whole being?


there is more than enough.


let it pour out of you, 
a river of light
seeking fertile ground.


envy, fear, sadness are all love wishing to be met.


love the one you’re with
deeply, madly, completely,
turn in and face the sun.


open your heart.


you cannot conceal your heart’s desire
you cannot deny the light its target.
oh dear one, where have you been?

​here, here, here, right here.

The moment I hear of someone’s happiness or good fortune, I am filled with love.  Then right behind it comes this wave of sadness, why not me?  What’s wrong with me?  It colors and squelches my natural light and leaves me feeling well, small.

The Dance of Śiva is composed of the 5 acts, called the panca-krityas.  Every moment something is created, maintained, dissolved, concealed and revealed.  Always operative simultaneously in the ‘ananda tandava’ wild dance of absolute consciousness on the cosmic macro and relative micro level.  We mirror this dance in our daily existence.  

As in all things there are levels and nuance.  Fundamentally, what is concealed from our crude senses is the presence of the light of consciousness in and as everything.  The word graha in Sanskrit means to grasp; it also means demon.  The demons that posses our better angels as it were.  I grasp on the surface to hold onto my “piece of heaven” and in that holding become a graha.   My personal graha, well informed of my secret shame, grasping at my very own heart.  

Release is what I long for, release from the tightness that catches my breath, clouds my vision and holds me hostage in so many tiny prisons of my own making.  Why can I not just let go?  I twist and turn searching for a way out but this only empowers my already limited agency and I dance like a puppet to the tune of “do something!”  

I know better.  It is only grace who will release me.  What is my part to play?  I want to relinquish the role of graha.  How?  Notice and in the space created breath, use the tools of practice.  Study, understand the mechanisms at work, the theory of the practice and above all, practice.  Meditate for this is the engine that supplies any other tool power.  Be patient.  Hopeful, expansive patience.  Just this now.  Be.

This came to me today, my almost primal longing for roots, community, home, a forever home are the fruits of denying impermanence.   This too is concealed from our human knowing, the true knowing, accepting that all, everything, even this planet is impermanent.  This circumstance is not a signal to act childish, to run up the credit cards of debt both relative and cosmic.  You will pay in one form or another.  It is an invitation to know as fully as possible who you are.  And in that knowing to contribute because the dance will not last forever and the world needs you now
I ask, why not be free Maria?  Why not enjoy the change of scenery, people, customs and traditions?  As long as I am rooted in the great heart, in a very real sense, I am always in my forever home.  
Envy is my sadness at not holding on tight enough; at not willing hard enough; at not being enough.  I do not wish to deny love in the form of happiness at another’s joy.  I don’t wish to withhold love at all and certainly not to myself.  Doing so only increases suffering, my own and others and does nothing to further the light. 
So then, permit the happiness instinctively felt when hearing another’s good news to blossom.  There is plenty.  Love is the currency of abundance and it is a well that will never run dry as long as you have direct access to its source.  Meditate, love the one you’re with truly, madly deeply.  Let it pour out of you like a river of light seeking fertile ground.  There is more than enough.